Bea

falalalalalalalala- i know it's too freakin' early!

You know what sucks at this time of the year? Colds, that's what. It's all expected when you live in the northern hemisphere, but down here it should be getting warmer and we should be more worried about preventing sun burn that preventing a cold. But that's what I got, a big stinking cold. 

This has led to me being bed-ridden for the past couple of days, and not in a sexy kind of way. I can't think of a stronger argument for abstinence than snot running down your partners face. HOT. 

On a positive note, I've been sorting things out for the family birthdays of this month and, hold on to your seats for this one, writing out Christmas cards. I KNOW.

This is some sort of record for me. I'm sure friends and family will be concerned about my mental well-being should their Christmas card arrive, oh I don't know, like before Christmas? I told you I was sick.

Anywho, one of the things I do like about Christmas cards is picking the right ones. I'm a stickler for stationary and could easily spend hours and gazillions browsing the local stationary store. Alas, our local stationary store hasn't got the quality or variety of stuff I long for. And so I have been searching.

Ahoy, there's Paper Culture! Now, listen, yes this is a bit of a plug, but I really DO love their paper products. Because look at the type of stuff they do:

Does that not make your visual heart sing? Me too. Yes, I know it's not a Christmas card, but I couldn't resist showing you.

I'm thinking of these:

 
They're non-traditional enough to show up in the hoards of regular cards, but still very Christmas-y. 

Can I tell you the best part about Paper Culture? You can individually message each card and have them sent out for you, all for just the cost of the stamp! Do I have to explain how great this is for me?

Every year I spend tons of time driving in my car to the right store to find the right cards then drive back home to spend hours filling out those cards, then drive to the post office and spend lots of money sending the cards to our friends and family who live on the other side of planet earth. Can you see how I'm killing the planet with this action plan? If you can't breathe, it's Christmas' fault. 

Anyway, if you're so inclined to take a look, you can click on this link here. Think of the time you'll save! YOU'RE WELCOME.

Disclaimer: I told you I would tell you if I get paid to tell you about a product, so here I am doing just that. But just like I said I would, I'm only telling you about this product because I like it too, ok? Thanks!

Business Launch! Eventually, anyway. (Life List: An update)

Remember when I was all brave and courageous and starting a business ? I was so sure that November 1st was going to be launch date, it was all going so well! I have products, logos, a business plan, and a web developer just ready to go as soon as I press 'start'. 

Only, I've got a little hiccup.

You see, these products and logos and web developers cost money. And while I could get away with a little bit of credit and some smaller orders for product, and roped my very talented sister-in-law to do the logos, the web developer needs considerably more money than my bank balance allows.

This was ok when it looked like I was going to secure another contract in my day job. Not one as lucrative as the last one, but one that would keep me going and allow me to pursue the business. Now, that contract isn't happening.

I've got a couple of small projects on the go that let me pay bills and have a coffee now and then, but nothing that will let me build and launch an online business. That sucks. 

So, I'm giving myself a little lee-way. I was all head strong and stubborn to make it happen by any means possible by November 1st. Clearly, November 1st has been and gone and there's no business to be seen. I'm disappointed, but philosophical. Just because I've hit a bit of a set-back doesn't mean it won't happen. Heck, I'm still planning and working for it to happen before the end of the year. I don't want this to be on my 2010 resolutions list.

I guess what I'm saying is: give me a break. Yes, I know I didn't meet the self-imposed goal. But that's no reason to abandon it all together, is it? I don't know about you, but when I don't meet my own goals I'm at risk at giving up completely. Which is a bit harsh. What's that about you being your own worst critic?

Here's the deal: give me a break and I'll give you a break. I promise to keep working hard on this business, give it my very best effort to get it up and running before 2010, and I'll be sure to support you in the one (or more) thing that you'd like to achieve before the end of the year.

Small or big, it doesn't matter what it is. Just share it. I know that if we share it, we're more likely to accomplish it. Sooner or later. 

p.s. if you know of a GREAT website developer for a reasonable price, please let me know! I need an e-commerce solution that won't break the bank!

office gossip: he's just not into it

The end of my contract last week has launched David and I into a bit of unknown territory. For the first time in our marriage, we're both self-employed. 

This means there's no steady pay-cheque, we're both working from home and we're churning through coffee like it's going out of style. We're still working through some scheduling issues, and noise can be an issue in our 80sqm home. But overall, it's working.

Because of the industry I've worked in, I enjoy day-time banter. In fact, the industry depends on it. I'm talking to save the business. You're welcome. David's industry doesn't get this. His conversations have a purpose and an outcome. To be fair, he's much better at building purposeful relationships and rapport, I'm more of the type to chat just to make a new friend. This is probably why David networks better than I do. 

So when we find ourselves in the kitchen at the same time, I'm all ready for 'how's your morning going? what's up on the weekend?', he's all '[insert insane look at me like he can't remember who I am. I'm your wife, that's who]'. It's all business, make the coffee, look out the window, head back to the office. 

Do I have to start networking with my husband? I think I need to draw a line there.

It appears part of this working at home gig will require me to, like, go out and stuff. Seeing and talking to people is essential, both to my sanity and David's. I'm off to the big smoke tomorrow, to see people and talk and other social things. I'm REALLY looking forward to it. And this is only day 3 at home. 

No one will be more surprised than me if we make it to 90 days without have a 'appropriate coffee-time conversation ' argument. 

If you work from home, how to do you balance the work and your relationships? Do you miss the water cooler chat?

so that's what it's like when readers don't agree with you, or each other

Last week, on a whim, I took up on Jane Yee's invitation to write a post on her blog while she was away relaxing on the gold coast. I offered to go to the gold coast for her to help her keep the blog her own, but valiantly she declined. Ah well.

I wrote the post here. I was not ready for the number, or variance, of responses. 

Last count was 69 comments, and I'm the first to recognise that's a number that has yet to be reached right here chez bea. And as for the comments?

Cyberaxx was a great start, and a truly lovely analogy for this odd journey we're on:

And in general, the comments were lovely, encouraging and although they didn't all share my point of my view the comments were thoughtful and well written. To be fair, there was a couple that made me take a sharp in take of breath:

Ouch, those stung. And before you point it out, yes I know that this is what you get when you put your thoughts out to share with the general public. But still, ouch. Maybe the post wasn't clear that I actually do want a family, but still that's a lot of judge-y going on. 

Kids or no kids, it's your choice. I'm not here judging you because of those choices. I am not here to quiz you about why you make the choices you do. I'm just here to support you in whatever way a friend can. 

And on that note, I need to take a breather. I have to thank Jane for allowing me to stand in her place for a day, but even more than that I have to thank Hubby (comment number 66) whose comment started like this:

If you have the time, read the rest of his comment. Because readers like Hubby are why I blog. 

UNIVERSE, ARE YOU LISTENING?!

Knowing what you want your life to be like when you grow up must be such a comforting thing. At least, that's the way I see it now. At 19 I could not have imagined anything worse. How could you possibly know that you wanted to be an engineer/lawyer/teacher and be married/single with/without kids and live near/far from home? How could you know that without experimenting first?

But people do know. 

I remember meeting several people during my first year at university who had it all sussed. They knew what their life plan was and they were hell-bent on making it work. One of them is my best friend, the other is a guy I dated for 4 years during university.

My best friend is, still, my best friend. And she is because we know that we don't share the same goals, but we share the same values. Values like marriage is forever, family comes first and that humour can go a long way to fixing a bad day. She has want she wants now, because she knew what she wanted when we were 19. 

The guy I dated for 4 years? He knew what he wanted too. He wanted to be a lawyer, live in his hometown, marry a teacher, and work alongside his dad. I did not fit in this picture, as hard as I tried. I tried to be the loving, supportive girlfriend who wanted to help his career. I tried to fit in with his family, his friends. I tried to want the same things he did. But I think he knew way before I did, that this is not what I wanted. He has what he wants now, down to the job, house, wife and kids. 

Without knowing what I wanted, I ended up wandering. To the states for a year, then back home for 2, then to another city for 18 months, then to the UK, back home, to the UK...and well, you get the picture. I assumed that, by wandering, what I wanted would just 'come to me', when actually I knew what I wanted and was too scared to say it. Scared that my mother would be disappointed, that others would laugh and assume I wasn't serious. Scared that others would think it the lazy way out, a sign that I wasn't independent enough, that I was letting women around the world down. In fact, the only person I told it to before I meet David, who didn't laugh and simply accepted it as truth was someone I was sure I wouldn't see again. 

And all I wanted was to be married, be loved, have kids. Whatever happened outside of that wasn't really that important.

Now that my current work contract is coming to a close, what I want is becoming overwhelmingly clear. It's urgent (did you see the calendar?!) and needs attention now. But the question is:

HOW?

If the question is how to get pregnant, have income and travel to see my family, what is the answer?

It's the question I'm struggling to answer now. Babies, income and travel are all up for inspection and consideration. We all know how the baby situation is(not) going, and we're working on it, honest. My work experience is varied, spans 3 continents and includes start-ups to multi-national corporations. And if I can get the first two working, I'm hoping that the third will see me travelling like this:

       SOMEONE WAS TRAVELING LIKE THIS WHILE I HAD MY KNEES AROUND MY EARS IN SEAT 49E

it's the middle of the night, do you know where your blogger is?

It's 3:38 am and I'm awake.

Can you count how many things are wrong with that statement? Yes? Smarty pants.

This is so un-natural for me. I sleep like the dead, except that I eventually wake up. Which, I suppose, if the dead were eventually to become a zombie then they also wake up. And to be fair, I also suppose that this could also describe me first thing in the morning. Except for now, of course. 

And now that I'm awake, my brain won't stop. I can't help but think about the book I'm reading, and how I can possibly make some of that happen , and whether I can make it all happen in 6-weeks or less, and if I'm making that happen in 6-weeks or less does that mean that I'll have the time and energy to seduce my husband and have lots of sex so that we can have a baby, and last night he mentioned that an old school friend of his told him that their baby was conceived via IVF and oh-my-god does that mean that he's thinking about whether we should be getting assistance with fertility, because if so then we should get on to that asap, and if we do and if I do get pregnant, will we possibly have the money to support the lifestyle we want and holy crap flights to see family are going to cripple us if we don't sort something out soon and with a baby that would make it 30% more expensive than it is now and so really I should stopping blogging about it and just freakin' go and figure it out already except that blogging about not being pregnant and wanting to be pregnant is sometimes the only thing that stops me from going insane in the real world, and I don't want to go back on meds so I'm going to keep blogging is that's fine with you. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

I should be surprising David with mid-night sex, but I won't because I love him. That's right,I'M NOT HAVING SEX WITH MY HUSBAND BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. As I was laying in bed debating on whether to get up or not, he mentioned that he's not feeling too well and has a stuffed up nose (MAN COLD ALERT) and I know he has a big day tomorrow (today? what is 4am?). And really, I'm not here to put more pressure on him although I'm fairly sure that I do that anyway.

Do you see my problem here? 

And so to solve my problem, here I am. Book by my side, but yet drawn to the internets to follow take the counsel of the wise and console myself with stories of those  that have gone and done it anyway and appear to have it fairly sussed. 

I am but a humble student, teach me wise ones.

just mommies - for those who are not yet mommies

Remember back when I was celebrating baby steps for this blog? Well, ladies and gentleman, I find myself doing a little private dance of celebration again.

In JustMommies top 10 blog posts for July yours truly is number 2....4......AND 7!! That's right, three of my posts are in the top 10. 

I know, I was surprised too! Totally the ego-boost I needed at just the right time.

Opportunities: masters of disguise

Opportunity sometimes comes in funny disguises.

When the fitness chain I was working for in Canada announced structure changes that I, eventually, just

couldn't work with I had no idea what career opportunities would be available for me if I quit my job. 

But I quit anyway.

And then I ended up in the UK.

When I met David, I was on my way home to Canada. I had just bought my airline tickets and on our first date announced that I was leaving in just 11 weeks. He followed me. 

And then we got married.

When I got my first job in New Zealand it took me 6 months to realise that the company was rife with lazy workers and shoddy politics. And, wow, was that learning curve steep but learn I did. They guy who hired me left 6 months after I started. 

And then he hired me for his next company 18 months later.

I now find myself at a bit of a cross-roads again. I've got options where I am, although not the option I wanted. That doesn't mean it's not a good option. 

But haven't I got options somewhere else too? Isn't it all too easy to just take the option given rather than working and searching for the option you REALLY want? Isn't this the perfect opportunity to really work to make what I want happen? 

It could take a lot of work.

    But it COULD WORK.

It's a big risk.

    But if if works, it's a BIG REWARD.

People will doubt and question me.

    But they will be amazed at what I COULD ACCOMPLISH.

I've got some time, not long, to consider what to do. And in that time I've promised myself to really make sure that all my options are known, so that when I do make a decision it's for the right reasons. How many times in life do we get the opportunity to do that? Not many, I'd guess. How many times do we take the opportunity to figure this out? Even less, I suspect. 

I would love to share all the options with you, but for the fear of being dooced. But I promise to tell you if it all works out. Or not. Honest. 

So what is it that you'd really like to do, but are afraid to say? What is it that you'd like to take a big leap and try, just to see if it could work? Because if you and I have the same idea, wouldn't two heads be better than one?!

a belated thank you to my employer, seriously!

I’ve mentioned my first miscarriage before, I know. But what I realised today is that I didn’t mention how fantastic my employer was at the time.  And, technically, I’m not even employed by them.

You see, I’m a full-time contractor to my biggest, and currently only, client. That means that while on the surface of things I act like an employee in my day-to-day operations, I reap the benefits of being self-employed. And there are lots when it comes to tax.

What I don’t get, though, is sick leave. Or holiday pay. Or Maternity leave.

So, when I found out I was pregnant last December David and I quickly went into ‘maternity leave’ financial mode. All money was headed to savings and we were gearing up for a 3 month leave for me. And then the pregnancy went quickly downhill.

In those first few weeks, I was also meant to attend an industry conference that was key for our organisation and the main calendar event of the year. And when I called our company owner to ask if I could miss the event, do you know what he said?

He said that he would fire me if I attended. That the most important thing was for me to sit with my feet up and just rest.

Could you ask for more? No, I didn’t think so.  And when I called to say that the pregnancy is over, he just simply asked how long I wanted to stay home for work. I only took one full day, since I felt better just being productive at work. But I’m confident that had I said a week that would have been ok too.

In return, I have worked my ass off for them and have extended that warmth and care in working with my colleagues in my office.

There’s a lesson in here for employers, especially in these hard economic times. Yes, business is harder to find. And yes, employees need to work hard to retain job stability. But, yes, you need to make it a place employees are willing to work hard for. And usually, it doesn’t cost you anything just to care about the wellbeing of your employees.

 

 

Also - baby steps for blogs

You long-time bloggers out there (ok, and some of you very good short-time bloggers) will not be impressed by this statistic, but I am! 

Today, this blog reached 100 comments.

Ta-DAAA!

Well, I was pleased. 

Bea x