Bea

when you're wrong admit it, when you're right SHUT-UP

This afternoon I was at the local library, trying to use my library card after being away for 6 months. Picked my books, thought of sitting on the deck with a cup of tea in the sun, considered picking up some flowers on the way home. 

The librarian took my books, scanned my card, told me I had overdue fines. In fact, not overdue fines. REPLACEMENT fines. Totaling $109.00. I, being right all the time, asked what books they were and then swore upside and down, inside and out, on my life and yours that I had returned the books before we moved. That I could not possibly have the books, that I am SO diligent about returning books that it was their system that was in error, not me. That's right Mrs. Librarian, THE SYSTEM IS BRINGING ME DOWN. 

Mrs. Librarian called the other branches, got everyone to check their shelves, confirmed that the books had not shown up elsewhere. I got all indignant and said that I wasn't paying for books I didn't have, BECAUSE I'M RIGHT GODDAMMIT. So indignant was I, that I turned and walked out of the library and left my pile of books for them to put away...and my library card.

15 minutes later I was back at the library desk asking for Mrs. Librarian. And I apologised.

Turns out, I did have the books. Whoops!

I don't think that my own ass-y-ness has been more obvious than this. I was so RUDE, so embarrassed about my behaviour. I apologised, looked her in the eye and said that my behaviour was rude and that I was embarrassed and wished that the rest of her afternoon went much better. 

No excuses. Sure, there's a lot going on in my mind lately. But being an ASS to some nice librarian isn't part of my remit. I hate that I did exactly what others have done to me. That would be me that you're scraping from the underneath the pond scum. 

mmmfff i fffed tapp...what, can't understand me? That'd be because I'm stuffing my mouth full of humble pie.

Rainy Sunday Morning Coffee at the Cafe: Style

Seriously, need a boob reduction. Or to exercise more.

Cardigan: Glassons
T-Shirt: Maxx
Scaf: Gifted
Belt: Jigsaw UK
Jeans: Just Jeans
Hair: needs a cut

if you were one of my girlfriends, i'd be sharing this with you

I'm not a big painted-nail kind of girl, but have been searching for a pink-y colour that keeps my nails looking neat and not too bad if there's a chip here or there. This one's Bubble Bath by OPI and I have worn it since working from home. The cats truly appreciate my more professional appearance.

Ed. Note - I may or may not have written this after a glass of wine. You decide. 

when i found out about you

One year ago today my period was four days late. I had turned 35 four days before, and the thought that I might be pregnant just as I turned 35, the magic number for doctors and fertility, was just to poetic to consider.

I had been late before, what woman hasn't? I had wasted pregnancy tests for months. 

That morning I took a pregnancy test and wasn't surprised that it was negative. Disappointed, again, but not surprised. I put the test down on my desk and went to work. 

When I came home I put my laptop bag by my desk and glanced at the pregnancy test. There was a second line.

Now I know that you're not meant to read pregnancy tests after their defined limit, usually just 10 minutes. I knew that then but can not tell you the internal debate that was going on in my head. Did I really wait the full 10 minutes this morning? I must have looked at it again AFTER 10 minutes, before I went to work, didn't I? Don't be ridiculous, that's an evaporation line - isn't it? I've heard about them, but never seen them, but maybe that's it.

My heart was literally racing and ready to jump out of my chest. My gut was telling me one thing (YES!!) and my brain was working so hard to tell me another (NO!!).

David came home. And I couldn't tell him. 

Strangely, I had no more pregnancy tests in the house. This is likely because I had used them all up during the days before. I went for a walk - an hour long walk to calm my nerves, and buy more pregnancy tests. I crossed my legs for the next 5 hours as we had dinner, went to a book store, watched some t.v.

As I was going to bed, I took another test. Faint, but definite positive line in about a  minute. 

Holy. Crap.

I still didn't tell David. I took another test the next morning. Faint, but stronger, second line. I called the doctor, made an appointment for a blood test that afternoon and an appointment to see the doctor  about the results the next morning. 

When I got home from work, I took another pregnancy test. And then told David. He was quiet and listened while I took him through the myriad of pregnancy tests I had been storing in my office. He assured me that, yes, he too saw the second line. 

That day, we were parents together. It was all exciting and scary and new. 

We are not parents today. That pregnancy didn't last long, at least not physically. But that baby is still in my thoughts and still in my heart. I have a feeling that it always will be. 

36-20=16 - a birthday story

During my teenage years my Dad had to deal with some super-bad corporate crap that had him laying off colleagues and friends of 15 years. These were people that emigrated to Canada at the same time as my parents, and whose children I baby sat and still count as my 'cousins'. 

He worked so hard for that company. Long hours and traveling that often meant that my brother and I would see little of him. Dad would drive us to our early-morning band practice for 6 am and it wouldn't have been unusual not to see him again until 8 or 9pm at night. 

All this work led to some pretty grumpy days and a man who, I can see now, found it hard to connect with his family outside of his job. Sure, mom worked outside of the home too, but Dad was the main breadwinner and without that there wouldn't have been much. He was a mans' man, and as such felt that he should be providing for us. 

As a surly 15 year old teenager I HATED the fact that my Dad wouldn't or couldn't talk to me. How DARE HE? DIDN'T HE KNOW WHO I WAS? All that teenager angst must have been so waring on him. I have memories of Dad banning me to wear that short skirt and can still feel the air of disapproval at staying out late. It was only him trying to protect me, but what teenage what's protecting? NONE. 

Just before my 16th birthday, things at Dad's job were getting demonstrably worse. There was talk of his job being relocated to the states, and if there's one thing a teenager does not want it's to leave her friends behind her. The potential tragedy was milked for all the attention I could get.

I guess what I'm saying is, I was a little shit.

As my birthday got closer and closer, things at my Dad's job got worse and worse. The day before my birthday, my Dad came to me and asked if it would be ok if Mom dropped me off at the mall for a few hours on the night of my birthday. His bosses were coming to the house to talk to him and they needed the house to be quiet and professional.

Despite my teenage attitude, I loved my Dad like nothing else. Of course I would make myself scarce, and the mall is no bad place for a teenage girl to hang out, right?

On the night of my birthday, my Dad got all dressed up in his suit and my Mom wore her Sunday best. They looked so nervous, so anxious. Somehow, all of that filtered through my crusty exterior and I managed to give Dad a hug as I left the house with Mom.

Mom dropped me off and promised to pick me up in precisely 2 hours.

When she picked me up, she looked almost happy. I couldn't ask how it went, I think I was too scared. But man, did she look relieved. I so hoped we were staying where we were - moving was too horrible to think about. 

When we got home, Mom said that Dad was downstairs in the basement and wanted to talk to me. Cue dread - I KNEW that the news was bad. Why else would my Dad want to speak to me alone?

What I found at the bottom of the stairs is still stuck in my minds eye today.

15 of my very BESTEST friends yelling 'SURPRISE!"

My very own 16th surprise birthday party. Stunned doesn't even describe how I felt. I'm sure that it's from that day forward that I began to see my Dad as a person, as a parent, and as a Dad who was crazy about me. 

What memory of your parents is still bringing tears to your eyes today?

9 hours of Pride and Prejudice and this is what I’ve learned

Let’s call it cultural enrichment, and ignore the part where I was in bed for 8 hours of the 9. I’ve been so dedicated to the project, I’ve watched both the Keira Knightly version AND the BBC Colin Firth version.

I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to watch the films. Everybody I know raves about them, and since I love A Room With a View, you’d think PandP would be next on the list. I’ve always been a late bloomer.

In the final hours (!!) of viewing this morning, I was in my bed with coffee and toast (yes, I know how LUCKY I am) I could have sworn my mom whispered ‘I told you so’ in my ear. I mean, she obviously wasn’t in the room, because that would be weird, yet quite amazing in time-and-space travelling way. I think it was one of those weird tricks your mind plays you on, by replaying a conversation you had years ago at a barely audible level.

And the told-you-so wasn’t about loving the movie, even though I do. It was about my wedding dress. What? You didn’t see that link coming?

My mother had mentioned it when we were wedding dress shopping, but I thought she was being a bit dramatic. Mom had said that my dress was a ‘nod’ to my heritage, just like the dress that the Russian assistant had picked out for herself was a nod to her heritage – the Tsar portrait on the train was a dead giveaway.

Call me Miss Elizabeth Bennett:

 

                              

 

Does anybody else see it? Or have I been brainwashed by Mr. Darcy?

i don't know how i ever found the time to work: unemployment is exhausting, you all.

Things I have done this week that I could not do last week:

1. Went to a 5:30pm showing of Julie and Julia by myself, had a glass of wine.

2. Had a nap at 2:00pm in the afternoon.

3. Went to a 3:00pm showing of Coco Avant Chanel, with a friend, had a glass of wine.

4. Read Seth Godin's Purple Cow, in one sitting.

5. Worked HARD on getting $122 tax incl return fares to San Fran, then Honolulu, then $73 tax incl return fares to Hong Kong, but did not get any tickets. Had a glass of wine.

6. Got a hair cut at 11:45 am. 

7. Went to pick up my 'leaving present' at the old office - a new printer! Is it weird that I'm excited by that? Probably.

8. Had dinner with two girlfriends. Had a glass of wine.

9. Washed the bathroom floors during the 2-hour power cut. Needed a glass of wine.

10. Cleared out my office in preparation for all the 'working' I'm going to be doing.

Like you wouldn't have had the glass(es) of wine if it were you.

and you want me to double that?

Here's a brave thing to admit: I've committed to doing a standard length triathlon on December 13th. THIS YEAR. Because I don't have enough to think about already.

A few years ago, before we even thought about having a family, I bravely said 'I'd like to do a standard length triathlon before getting pregnant'. I had already completed a few sprint triathlons, could push myself to do a 10k race if I had to and have always found the swimming part easy. As in, '3 hours straight swimming is so much FUN' easy. 

Then we started on this family pathway and things, well, they got side tracked. Put on the back burner. Lost behind the couch. Exercise became just one more thing on the 'to-do' list, instead of something that I had always enjoyed and looked forward to. 

My lovely friend, and now training partner, mentioned this triathlon on December 13th. And we talked about how we could do the spring distance in December, and then work our way up to the standard length for April 2010. 

When we looked at the training plan for the sprint race our reaction was 'p-shaw, we already do that and more now, where's the challenge?'. We must have had a couple of drinks, because the next thing I know we've agreed on the standard length and now just have 12 weeks to get ready. TWELVE weeks. 

This morning we did our first 'brick' workout as a bit of a benchmark for where we are now. We decided the sprint distance would be a good marker. 500m swim, 20k bike and 5k run. One hour and 20 minutes later I was seriously questioning our sanity. That was SLOW and HARD and....ugh the work that needs to be done.

December 13th means 1500m swim, 40k bike and 10k run. 

Now that I'm on the couch having had a good breakfast and a little nap, the 'good' angel on my shoulder is whispering sweet nothings in my ear:

But you've done hard before.

You've done hard, and then LOVED it.

All good things take hard work, sacrifice, focus. You CAN do this. 

Imagine the cake you'll be able to eat after all that training.

 SHE HAD ME AT CAKE. Ok, not really, but nice side-benefit.

Twelve weeks it is.

It's just one of the things on the to-do list before Christmas. What's on yours before we see 2010?

time management

Time is critical. Isn't that always the case?

I've got a list as long as my arm of things I want to achieve before Christmas. In fact, a good portion of that list needs to be done before I hit 36. Which is before Christmas. 

As a result of this time crunch, I've been making some serious efforts to automate as much of my life as I can. Bill payments etc, direct debited. The household chores, scheduled one per day. Groceries? Ordered online.

As you may know from some of my photos, I have long-ish hair. That is naturally half-assed curly and straight and so can take some time to make presentable. Do you know where I'm going here? No? This is where I'm considering going:

Imagine the time saved!

What time saving tips can you share? A minute or two, here and there, makes all the difference!

UNIVERSE, ARE YOU LISTENING?!

Knowing what you want your life to be like when you grow up must be such a comforting thing. At least, that's the way I see it now. At 19 I could not have imagined anything worse. How could you possibly know that you wanted to be an engineer/lawyer/teacher and be married/single with/without kids and live near/far from home? How could you know that without experimenting first?

But people do know. 

I remember meeting several people during my first year at university who had it all sussed. They knew what their life plan was and they were hell-bent on making it work. One of them is my best friend, the other is a guy I dated for 4 years during university.

My best friend is, still, my best friend. And she is because we know that we don't share the same goals, but we share the same values. Values like marriage is forever, family comes first and that humour can go a long way to fixing a bad day. She has want she wants now, because she knew what she wanted when we were 19. 

The guy I dated for 4 years? He knew what he wanted too. He wanted to be a lawyer, live in his hometown, marry a teacher, and work alongside his dad. I did not fit in this picture, as hard as I tried. I tried to be the loving, supportive girlfriend who wanted to help his career. I tried to fit in with his family, his friends. I tried to want the same things he did. But I think he knew way before I did, that this is not what I wanted. He has what he wants now, down to the job, house, wife and kids. 

Without knowing what I wanted, I ended up wandering. To the states for a year, then back home for 2, then to another city for 18 months, then to the UK, back home, to the UK...and well, you get the picture. I assumed that, by wandering, what I wanted would just 'come to me', when actually I knew what I wanted and was too scared to say it. Scared that my mother would be disappointed, that others would laugh and assume I wasn't serious. Scared that others would think it the lazy way out, a sign that I wasn't independent enough, that I was letting women around the world down. In fact, the only person I told it to before I meet David, who didn't laugh and simply accepted it as truth was someone I was sure I wouldn't see again. 

And all I wanted was to be married, be loved, have kids. Whatever happened outside of that wasn't really that important.

Now that my current work contract is coming to a close, what I want is becoming overwhelmingly clear. It's urgent (did you see the calendar?!) and needs attention now. But the question is:

HOW?

If the question is how to get pregnant, have income and travel to see my family, what is the answer?

It's the question I'm struggling to answer now. Babies, income and travel are all up for inspection and consideration. We all know how the baby situation is(not) going, and we're working on it, honest. My work experience is varied, spans 3 continents and includes start-ups to multi-national corporations. And if I can get the first two working, I'm hoping that the third will see me travelling like this:

       SOMEONE WAS TRAVELING LIKE THIS WHILE I HAD MY KNEES AROUND MY EARS IN SEAT 49E