Bea

putting faith in the public health system. no, really!

You know, it's rather refreshing when you're clear on your goals and you just start making things happen. Who knew? Not me!

So this week, returned the book so kindly lent to me by our family doctor and at the same time asked about the referral that she had offered months ago. Turns out, it had been so long ago that I needed to book an appointment again.

On Wednesday I sat with the doctor, again, and discussed my fertility history, again. We talked about how long it had been since we started and about the two miscarriages and how those are good signs that the intended goal of a child is likely quite reachable. And she even suggested that perhaps it's just a 'time' thing.

Which is fine. For her.

But not me. Not us. I'm over waiting and letting time take it's...time. Month by month goes by and it's putting more and more pressure and stress on my relationship with David. And that's not right.

In exchange for my $35 she gave me the number of a fertility advisor and has referred me to the North Shore Hospital Gyn&Obs clinic, where they will likely assess my case and suggest a laparoscopy. The fertility advisor is no longer practicing, but was kind enough to recommend a doctor at the reputed Fertility Associates. This may incur costs etc, but I'm calling tomorrow to see what the deal is.

In the meantime, I'm putting my trust in the public health system that I'll receive the letter from North Shore to see them soon. Hopefully. 

UNIVERSE, ARE YOU LISTENING?!

Knowing what you want your life to be like when you grow up must be such a comforting thing. At least, that's the way I see it now. At 19 I could not have imagined anything worse. How could you possibly know that you wanted to be an engineer/lawyer/teacher and be married/single with/without kids and live near/far from home? How could you know that without experimenting first?

But people do know. 

I remember meeting several people during my first year at university who had it all sussed. They knew what their life plan was and they were hell-bent on making it work. One of them is my best friend, the other is a guy I dated for 4 years during university.

My best friend is, still, my best friend. And she is because we know that we don't share the same goals, but we share the same values. Values like marriage is forever, family comes first and that humour can go a long way to fixing a bad day. She has want she wants now, because she knew what she wanted when we were 19. 

The guy I dated for 4 years? He knew what he wanted too. He wanted to be a lawyer, live in his hometown, marry a teacher, and work alongside his dad. I did not fit in this picture, as hard as I tried. I tried to be the loving, supportive girlfriend who wanted to help his career. I tried to fit in with his family, his friends. I tried to want the same things he did. But I think he knew way before I did, that this is not what I wanted. He has what he wants now, down to the job, house, wife and kids. 

Without knowing what I wanted, I ended up wandering. To the states for a year, then back home for 2, then to another city for 18 months, then to the UK, back home, to the UK...and well, you get the picture. I assumed that, by wandering, what I wanted would just 'come to me', when actually I knew what I wanted and was too scared to say it. Scared that my mother would be disappointed, that others would laugh and assume I wasn't serious. Scared that others would think it the lazy way out, a sign that I wasn't independent enough, that I was letting women around the world down. In fact, the only person I told it to before I meet David, who didn't laugh and simply accepted it as truth was someone I was sure I wouldn't see again. 

And all I wanted was to be married, be loved, have kids. Whatever happened outside of that wasn't really that important.

Now that my current work contract is coming to a close, what I want is becoming overwhelmingly clear. It's urgent (did you see the calendar?!) and needs attention now. But the question is:

HOW?

If the question is how to get pregnant, have income and travel to see my family, what is the answer?

It's the question I'm struggling to answer now. Babies, income and travel are all up for inspection and consideration. We all know how the baby situation is(not) going, and we're working on it, honest. My work experience is varied, spans 3 continents and includes start-ups to multi-national corporations. And if I can get the first two working, I'm hoping that the third will see me travelling like this:

       SOMEONE WAS TRAVELING LIKE THIS WHILE I HAD MY KNEES AROUND MY EARS IN SEAT 49E

numbers, they don't lie. especially when you're 35.

I'm going to tell you something that, if you don't live in New Zealand and are trying to conceive and have been trying for some time, might just make you a little envious and frustrated. Let it be recgonised that I am APOLOGISING IN ADVANCE. 

The New Zealand medical system is so forward thinking that it will actually pay for 2 IVF cycles for qualifying patients. Yup, that's right TWO FREE IVF. Watch the google search engine pick that one up. I'll wait for the millions to join us.

Tick.

Tock.

Ok, so now that we're all together, here's the deal. First, all you kiwis (3..4 of you?) must apologise to everyone else for your good fortune. DO IT. Because this is a big deal. If you've been trying to conceive for a while, and it's not working, and your family doctor has done the tests they feel they should and they are stumped as to why you're still not knocked up they may well (and you should request if you're ready) refer you to a specialist. And that specialist might also do tests, and they may start you on clomid and tell you to 'give it a go'. And if you're still not up the duff, maybe a little clomid, a scan and a bit of IUI*. And then, only then, if you've had a couple of goes and it's still not working and all the planets are aligned and they get the call from the mother ship, you may well be up for your free IVF.

I hope never to get that far.

Having said that, I have spent a fair amount of time on the omnipotent interwebs learning about the menu of options. I'm coming to the end of my rope here. It's been over 2 years, my 36th birthday is coming up and when we starting this whole thing I was but a wee child at just 33. 

The month-by-month suspense of 'am I? aren't I?' is getting old, and far from the excitement of the maybe and closer to wondering if I can do this much longer. Sex should never show up on your weekend to-do list. 

Our doctor has already said that she's willing to refer us on to a specialist. Maybe it's time. Maybe, after weighing up all the options, after deciding what we want, maybe it's just time to bring in the experts. Even though, we so wanted to do this on our own. Even though we thought we had done it on our own. That's hard to let go. 

Normally this sort of post, these sort of feelings, would come at the end of a cycle when it's clear I am not pregnant, again. But here we are, creeping up on day 14 and these thoughts won't disappear. And as if the thoughts weren't enough, I came upon this delightful calculator this morning:

I hope your numbers are better than mine.

*Intra-Uterine Insemination = turkey baster approach

it's the middle of the night, do you know where your blogger is?

It's 3:38 am and I'm awake.

Can you count how many things are wrong with that statement? Yes? Smarty pants.

This is so un-natural for me. I sleep like the dead, except that I eventually wake up. Which, I suppose, if the dead were eventually to become a zombie then they also wake up. And to be fair, I also suppose that this could also describe me first thing in the morning. Except for now, of course. 

And now that I'm awake, my brain won't stop. I can't help but think about the book I'm reading, and how I can possibly make some of that happen , and whether I can make it all happen in 6-weeks or less, and if I'm making that happen in 6-weeks or less does that mean that I'll have the time and energy to seduce my husband and have lots of sex so that we can have a baby, and last night he mentioned that an old school friend of his told him that their baby was conceived via IVF and oh-my-god does that mean that he's thinking about whether we should be getting assistance with fertility, because if so then we should get on to that asap, and if we do and if I do get pregnant, will we possibly have the money to support the lifestyle we want and holy crap flights to see family are going to cripple us if we don't sort something out soon and with a baby that would make it 30% more expensive than it is now and so really I should stopping blogging about it and just freakin' go and figure it out already except that blogging about not being pregnant and wanting to be pregnant is sometimes the only thing that stops me from going insane in the real world, and I don't want to go back on meds so I'm going to keep blogging is that's fine with you. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

I should be surprising David with mid-night sex, but I won't because I love him. That's right,I'M NOT HAVING SEX WITH MY HUSBAND BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. As I was laying in bed debating on whether to get up or not, he mentioned that he's not feeling too well and has a stuffed up nose (MAN COLD ALERT) and I know he has a big day tomorrow (today? what is 4am?). And really, I'm not here to put more pressure on him although I'm fairly sure that I do that anyway.

Do you see my problem here? 

And so to solve my problem, here I am. Book by my side, but yet drawn to the internets to follow take the counsel of the wise and console myself with stories of those  that have gone and done it anyway and appear to have it fairly sussed. 

I am but a humble student, teach me wise ones.

just mommies - for those who are not yet mommies

Remember back when I was celebrating baby steps for this blog? Well, ladies and gentleman, I find myself doing a little private dance of celebration again.

In JustMommies top 10 blog posts for July yours truly is number 2....4......AND 7!! That's right, three of my posts are in the top 10. 

I know, I was surprised too! Totally the ego-boost I needed at just the right time.

Opportunities: masters of disguise

Opportunity sometimes comes in funny disguises.

When the fitness chain I was working for in Canada announced structure changes that I, eventually, just

couldn't work with I had no idea what career opportunities would be available for me if I quit my job. 

But I quit anyway.

And then I ended up in the UK.

When I met David, I was on my way home to Canada. I had just bought my airline tickets and on our first date announced that I was leaving in just 11 weeks. He followed me. 

And then we got married.

When I got my first job in New Zealand it took me 6 months to realise that the company was rife with lazy workers and shoddy politics. And, wow, was that learning curve steep but learn I did. They guy who hired me left 6 months after I started. 

And then he hired me for his next company 18 months later.

I now find myself at a bit of a cross-roads again. I've got options where I am, although not the option I wanted. That doesn't mean it's not a good option. 

But haven't I got options somewhere else too? Isn't it all too easy to just take the option given rather than working and searching for the option you REALLY want? Isn't this the perfect opportunity to really work to make what I want happen? 

It could take a lot of work.

    But it COULD WORK.

It's a big risk.

    But if if works, it's a BIG REWARD.

People will doubt and question me.

    But they will be amazed at what I COULD ACCOMPLISH.

I've got some time, not long, to consider what to do. And in that time I've promised myself to really make sure that all my options are known, so that when I do make a decision it's for the right reasons. How many times in life do we get the opportunity to do that? Not many, I'd guess. How many times do we take the opportunity to figure this out? Even less, I suspect. 

I would love to share all the options with you, but for the fear of being dooced. But I promise to tell you if it all works out. Or not. Honest. 

So what is it that you'd really like to do, but are afraid to say? What is it that you'd like to take a big leap and try, just to see if it could work? Because if you and I have the same idea, wouldn't two heads be better than one?!

This post is written in the somewhat distant future, or past, or from the past of the future. Where am I again?

Wow. Well, that was trippy. I could have sworn that somewhere in the not-so-distant past that I had a habit of writing fairly regularly around these parts. And then it all fell apart.

The trip was great. 1000 miles and 9 days, which kind of sounds like some crazy tv reality game show but is instead how we spent our holiday. There were happy reunions with family, lots of cake, even more Pimm's and so many memories made in such a short period.

The wedding was great, and despite snide remarks from the general public about summer in Britain (you know who you are!) the actual day was full of perfect sun and couldn't have made the small village in North East England more picturesque if it tried. The bride was beautiful, the dj was dodgy (which I'm now thinking is just a trade standard) and my feet were killing me by the end of the day.

I met new family members, now 6 months old, caught up with cousins over glasses of wine, and hugged my Dad as much as I possibly could. I couldn't help but think that I had to get as much family time is as I could, as it was going to have to last a few long months ahead. 

And now we're back. There are things that are happening in my career that, no matter which way it turns, will result in some interesting times ahead. Opportunities don't always appear as you think they might. The jet lag has been a drag, and couple this with long days at the office and much shorter daylight hours than our holiday gave us, we have been dog tired. Like, in-bed-at-6:30 tired. We slowly staying up later, and made it all the way to 10pm last night. Party animals, I know.

And finally, just so we're all caught up, despite the hospitality of Singapore Airport, my in-laws, the Doncaster Holiday Inn Express, and the George Hotel, we are still just us two. Oh, and the three cats. 

But we sure did make the most of that holiday.

What have you been up to? I missed you guys!