For the most part, I do my level best to take the higher road. To see the good in others, to be happy for them in their gains. To not compare mine with theirs.
And then there are days where the prevailing thought is 'fuck it'.
Today is such a day.
I know, pregnancy news is all good. Except for when it comes from someone you don't particularly like anyways. And you're not inclined to like their spouse either. And you have to spend the majority of your day two feet across from them. Whle they wave their A4 size copy of yesterdays 12 week scan.
BASTARD.
Is it ok to be that angry? To be truly upset and hurt by his joy? Or is it too selfish?
I cried, oh how I cried. Out of view, of course. Isn't that what ladies cubicles are made for? I cried out of jealousy, envy and all the other ugly emotions that poured out of me. I called David, and cried some more. Blubbed about how it was all unfair, that the world doesn't love me. Poor David, how do you console an inconsolable wife over the phone?
Oh God. How STUPID am I? Trying to have a baby at 35? FOOL. Why is eyesight only 20/20 in hindsight? Where was my biological clock at 25, 30? And for that matter, where was David?
Now that I've written all that, I'm losing steam. It's out, in the interwebs, and so it's lost momentum and I'm spent. I'm drained. I'm numb.
My eyes are tired from crying, my chest sore from trying to catch my breath.
Tomorrow I will be fine. I'll pick myself up and continue on. Be strong, work hard, and thank the world for making it a Friday. Because what else can you do?
