Bea

The Monday that was.

The alarm rang at 6:30am, and with surgical precision it was off again in seconds. I lay in bed for a few moments listening for rain and wind, analysing the weather to determine what to wear today. I do this, lay in bed until the outfit is decided, because I can’t stand to waist precious time standing in front of my closet trying to decide what to wear when I could be under the covers instead. It’s also why I leave the closet open at night, so that I can choose my outfit from bed.

An hour later, I’m out the door leaving a clean kitchen and a sick husband at home. It’s serious sick, man-flu. It’s touch and go at this stage whether he’ll make it (or so he would have me believe).

On the road in the biggest city of the country means a 15-minute journey to the office on weekends, but 60 minutes on Monday morning. Especially on the Monday that schools are back in operation. 

It’s a busy day, as usual, today. Appointments with applicants and clients and emails need to be responded to. I’m out of the office for 2 days at the end of the week, so cramming 5 days of work into 3 is a tough one. Not to mention the preparation that still needs to be done for those two days.

At 4:30pm I meet with the staff member who called in sick. Off site, they tell me the personal crisis that’s happening in their world. I’m shocked and speechless at what they have been through, but can’t help but wonder where in my contract I agreed to become a counselor as well. It’s 6pm, shouldn’t I be home by now?

By 7pm I’m at the gas station, stopping for fuel for both the car and myself. Taking a deep breath before headed back on the road and finally ending up in my driveway at 7:45pm.

David, bless his heart, still isn’t well but did make dinner. This is why marriage works, because having a hard day with someone to come home to is so much more preferable than having a hard day and going home to a cold, dark home with no shoulder to sigh on.  We call our niece to wish her a happy birthday. We have a conversation about property, again, but it’s 9pm and my brain is starting to give up.

At 10pm I clean the kitchen up, again. Brush my teeth, while cleaning the bathroom sink, and despair at the state of the rest of the bathroom. And then remember that the laundry is still on the line and will be damp again due to the rain. And notice that there are still two tiles missing in front of the shower. I wonder when we’ll be able to put the house on the market.

I watch 10 minutes of the news, we grumble about reporters who get their facts from YouTube.

I hit the pillow hard, and fall asleep in seconds, and thank heavens for a home to call my own, food that nourishes me, and a husband to support me. I know that there are others worse off than me, that experience worse Mondays. But I can’t help but feel that I am living the rat race.  

A Perfect Monday *

It’s a little cool today, so I’ll pull on my jeans, a t-shirt and a comfy wool sweater. The kettle’s on to make the first coffee of the day, so I throw in a load of laundry and tidy up the (modern country) kitchen while I wait.

Coffee made, I wander to the porch and sit with a notebook and pen while taking in the rural view. I write a list of a few essentials to be done today (banking? calls? A DIY project? Proofreading an article?) and jot down a few ideas for today’s blog post.

The next couple of hours are spent in my office composing a post for my blog that is witty, thoughtful and entertaining. It will make my readers feel like part of a community while educating them about life New Zealand as an ex-pat who wants a family to call her own.

It’s lunch, so I take a sandwich and soup onto the porch again before heading (by foot) into town to pick up a few things for dinner. I take the route via the river and get some good photos of the wildlife on the way.

Back home, I’ll spend a couple of hours proof-reading an article and marking some papers before getting stuck in today’s DIY project. It might be painting the bathroom, or tiling the kitchen, but whatever it is it’ll be part of the goal to make our home comfortable to live in and help us gain equity on the way.

Just before the sun starts to fade, I’ll throw on my running gear and take a 30 minute run into the countryside. It’s the view that makes it interesting, and the fresh air will help me sleep well tonight.

Once home, showered and dressed, I’ll make dinner from scratch. Using the vegetables we’ve grown ourselves and beef we’ve bought locally it will be fresh stew accompanied by a wine from a near by vineyard.

We’ll wind up the day by reading our books, talking about where we’ve been, who we’ve seen and what we’ve done.  We might go for a wander down the street as the sun sets,  or just finish the day by curling up in our big bed early.

*This was not the Monday that happened. More to come!

house hunting ( I KNOW! A POST NOT ABOUT BABIES!!!)

It's true, I do other things that do not include obsessing over babies, pregnancy and infertility. I am truly full of talents.

David and I are on the hunt for our next property project. Because two jobs just isn't enough to keep us busy. 

This weekend we've seen about a dozen properties, none of which included a house to make you swoon. We're considering either bare land or a large bit of land with a crappy 1 or 2 bedroom house on it. We would live in the crappy house, save some cash, and then build the nice house later. 

Also, it's been raining on and off all weekend, which makes for ideal house hunting weather. Very few other house hunters are about, and you can check to see if a house has major leaking holes. 

The rain also made for some absolutely stunning views. These views are the kind that give you temporary amnesia when it comes to home sickness. These views make me want to give up city life and become a country mama.

Good, right? But no houses, right? Wait for it.....

That house is the one I want. I don't have the bazillions it would likely cost. And it's not for sale.

And that's where this blog comes in. I'm 32 cents closer to for my dream house. 32 cents! Champagne's at my place when I move in, y'all are invited.

feeling a bit sheepish (oh god, how embarrassed!)

I don't know how to start this post other than to say that I got my hopes up, only to have them drop off the cliff on the other side. I'm such a boob! 

After 6 days of lower back aches, 3 home pregnancy tests and generally feeling rubbish for the week, Thursday brought confirmation that this month is not the month for pregnancy. 

At least, not for me.

With two work colleagues announcing the pregnancies of their spouses I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. And, if I'm honest, I still am. I've cried in a bathroom stall at work, in the car on my way home (hello people on the bus next to me!) and I've cried while sitting in the bath. 

I'm really struggling with what to do next, if anything. David is convinced that it's just time that we need. Time with each other, time to be patient, time to let it happen. But, of course, all I hear is the TICK TOCK of time going by. The seconds that seem to be flying by and slamming into a pile up of minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months of trying that isn't working. Let me tell you, this is one ugly pile up to witness.

Back in October of 2008 David had a sperm analyses done which showed his boys were champion swimmers. And since I had already had blood tests and an ultrasound that showed everything was doing what we thought it should we kind felt a little, well, cocky. Our doctor mentioned that the next step would be a lap and dye for me, and since we're both a little (ok, A LOT) squeamish and anxious about surgery we decided that we would be happy to wait a little longer even though the doctor wanted to schedule a lap and dye for January 2009.

Then, I got pregnant. Man, was I one smug mother. 

I had a miscarriage. 

We changed doctors. 

I got pregnant again.

I had a miscarriage.

And now, all of a sudden it's 6 months since that lap and dye was first mentioned and I'm finding myself trying to justify a visit to the doctors to ask about it. Because it's the only thing I know of at this point that I can pro-actively do. I AM NOT MADE FOR WAITING. 

So here I am, virtually standing before you asking what you would do. What you have done. What road you took when you encountered this fork in the road. Stupid fork.

just when I thought my teenage years were over

I am growing a second head on my face. 

Look at the size of that thing! It's above my left eye and has been growing since 5pm. I think it should take over my head by the end of the night. No bad thing if it's smarter than me, really. 

This is either some wicked pms hormoes playing up, or ....well, you know.

This just in...

Nothing to share. I'm 3 tests down with just a single line each. In both my previous (unsuccessful) pregnancies I didn't get a positive until 7 and 5 days after I was due, which I have always assumed was because they were weak pregnancies doomed to fail. 

Maybe I'm not, and maybe I am. If I am, maybe this one is just a sneaky strong one. 

Fingers crossed.

sshhh! I'm watching a pot boil

Or, at least that is what is feels like. Day 28. And there's nothing to report. Yet.

So I'll keep this short, and pretend like nothing's going on.

Hang tight, I'll be back. 

a billboard would be less obvious

Do you remember when you first went to buy contraception? It might have been condoms, or going to the local family planning clinic to ask for birth control pills, but either way it was nerve wracking. You were sure that your mum, or one of her secret spies, was going to be right behind you as you go to the checkout and you were going to be SO BUSTED.

You'd casually peruse everything to the right, left, above and below the required product. You'd do your best to to keep one eye on the acceptable products, while frantically trying to work the other eye around the labels of the condoms, or sponges, or spermicides just so you could make an informed choice. HA! Informed choices take time, so you quickly grab the first box that looks like it says 'CONDOMS' and head for the checkout picking up cat food, olive oil, bananas and gum on the way. Anything to take the focus off the real purchase. 

With your purchases bagged, you'd calmly race outside to your car/boyfriends'  car/ the bus stop to rifle through your goods. And then you'd make the horrifying discovery of what you have just bought.

Cherry flavoured......laxatives.

The reason I bring up this, no doubt, painful memory is that I had an experience today that evoked the same emotions. Kinda.

It's day 24 of th 27 day cycle today. And I've been outrageously tired this week. I was in bed for 8 pm last night and had to drag myself out this morning at 8am. I've had a 'funny' stomach feeling, not quite nausea, and not quite not nausea. I'm hungry, and not. And the head-aches.     THEY CAN STOP NOW THANKS. All of this means either that I am pregnant, or coming down with a flue or cold or something else much more likely. 

And I'm REALLY trying not to test. But we all know about that addiction already.

In the grocery store on my way home I did that shifty stop in the drug and cosmetic aisle. Honestly, I was only really analysing my options on pantyliners and condoms. IT''S TRUE. But somehow a pack of 3 pregnancy tests fell in my basket. Who am I to tempt fate?!

At the check-out I laid out my cat-food, milk, protein crisps and pregnancy test. The protein crisps were laid just so and hid the pregnancy tests nicely from the people behind me. It was just after 5pm, after all, and everyone and their dog was in the grocery store. The check-out lady was polite, said nothing but 'hello' and 'how are you'. And as she finished putting the items in the bag, and asked for payment, it was then that the horror was realised.

All the items I had purchased were on the 24 inch flat screen facing the rest of the customers in line. The last item?

FR 3 PREG TEST

There's no chance they didn't know what it was, is there?

two week wait - a reoccurring nightmare.

Stop me if you've heard this one before. Wah! I'm in the two week wait! And, as always, IT SUCKS. 

The games that my body plays with me during these 14 days are insane. Is that a twinge in my abdomen? Am I constipated or cramping? Back ache! Is that from yesterdays hike, or is it a 'sign'? I'm thirsty, so very thirsty. Surely a symptom? And the peeing! I'm getting very well acquainted with my bathroom (and our badly done grout....but that's another post). Although I was well on the path to insanity before now, these two weeks are like the autobahn to Crazy City.

There are days, such as this entire Easter weekend, where I become convinced that I am indeed pregnant. Moments when it is painfully obvious to me that this is IT. That I had better be careful, don't work too hard, in order to do what I can to avoid another miscarriage. I sleep during the mid-afternoon, go to bed early, say no to a glass of wine. I do anything I can think of to give my body the energy and space it needs to make this work.

And then there are moments where I convince myself to be rational. And not to focus on it too much. And just get things done already. Where I sew another curtain, make pumpkin pie tarts, clean out drawers, change summer wardrobes for winter ones, paint mirror frames....anything to keep my mind and body occupied with anything else but symptom spotting. 

Today is day 22 of a 27 day cycle. Day 28 might as well be in the next decade it feels that far away. What do you do during this waiting period, this limbo of lunacy? Tell me! Because I don't think I can hold of the craziness much longer. 

i've loved you for five years, here's your lump of wood

5 years ago this cute young couple had only known each other for 12 months. In that time they moved from the U.K. to Canada after knowing each other for just 12 weeks, became engaged after 15 weeks, moved back to the U.K. after 7 months, and went back to Canada for the wedding. And then honeymooned in New Zealand.

Oh, how we laughed at the wedding! What a year! Surely, now that we had most of the 'biggie's that could stress a relationship out of the way, marriage would b easy(er).

In the first 12 months of our marriage we honeymooned in New Zealand, I started a new job in the U.K. and we applied for permanent residence in New Zealand. Easy.

The second year of our marriage started with me completing a triathlon in New Zealand while on holiday. And then we moved to New Zealand 4 weeks later. In the next 11 months, we moved to 5 different addresses and I changed jobs twice.

This year, on number five, we are astounded to say that we have been in the same house for almost 2 and  a half years. I've been in the same job for 2 years, as has David, and things are feeling a little......stale settled. At least, we think that this is what settled feels like.

Regardless, what I am very happy and excited to pronounce is that after 5 years I am even more in love with David than I was on April 10th 2004. And I was VERY in love. We're still as silly as we were 6 years ago, can make each other laugh, and are still very much getting to know each other.

Here's to another 50 and more.