Bea

2 things that are not conducive to family planning

1. Wallpapering in a small space with the man you love. Only to be attempted by the truly insane, preferably on a weekend when it is sunny and warm and likely to be one of the last true hot weekends before winter hits. If you can, choose a paper that has a pattern that repeats never rarely. Then, choose the wrong glue so that the first 3 pieces fall off the wall. 6 hours later, admire the first 3 pieces that have stuck to the wall. Crack open a bottle of wine to celebrate a job half-done.

2. Financial planning at 10pm on a Sunday night. Ideally, lull your loved one into submission with wine and a good movie. Heck, go all out and make them dinner too. Wait until they are warm and snuggled on the couch, this is your chance to pounce. Start talking about ROI, business buying strategies and selling properties. Finish with a riveting read from a business book. Good times!

The romance, it's overflowing sometimes. It's a wonder it's taken us so long to conceive. Really. 

month number 23 and counting

One of the struggles I have had since moving to New Zealand is finding a group of girls to call my 'girlfriends'. It's no surprise to me that I don't have a huge group of people to call my friends, I never had this anywhere. I'm more of the type that has just a small, select, and wonderful group of friends. One in particular, Cat, has been my best friend since we met in first year university and we were forced to share a room together in residence (incidentally, the BEST thing ever!).

I have a couple of girls I talk to here. One or two I'll meet for lunch, or David and I will meet another couple for dinner. But there's no-one I confide in, giggle stupidly with, who I backs me up 100% and I her.

But.

There's on woman who has been a lifesaver over the past year. She's younger than me (considerably) but way more mature than me (not hard) and also trying to have a family. Due to circumstances out of their control, she and her husband have now completed three cycles of IVF. Every single one of them has resulted in a miscarriage. And now they're going for a fourth cycle. 

Brave? YES. Courageous? YES. Awe-inspiring? YES.

And yet, she is still there for me on a Tuesday night when, once again, the fact of me not being pregnant rears it's monthly, ugly head. She's still there for me to have a drink, see a stupid chick flick, give me a hug and listen to all the woes and what if's.....and the plans for next month. 

And so, while I miss Cat more than you can know, I am so very grateful for this friend. And when she enters her fourth cycle I hope she knows that I am there for her, whether she needs me to hold her hand or just pray from a distance. I am cheerleading for her, crossing my fingers for her, and hoping that this time it all goes right.

a swiss clock, a japanese train and my body

One of these things does not belong to the others. Can you figure out why?

Hint: It's d-day today.

nesting

Around this time of the month I am prone to a (CRAZY) focus on getting my house just the way I want it. 

This month is no different.

Part of the drive is because I think there is a unknown psychic connection between being a 'grown-up' and having a room to put another (tiny) person and actually having a tiny person to put in the room. 

Part of it is that we're thinking of selling, and I want to get top dollar for our place (who doesn't!). (stop laughing, I KNOW what the economy is like). (No, seriously, stop laughing).

And part of it, is, well people like Puck have nice houses like this and I want one. 

Of course, people also have nasty houses like this, and I DON'T want one, thanks anyways. 

And then I start dreaming about nurseries, and it all goes down-hill from there.

I'm weak, and I know it. 

when does your tax return become welcome?

This has been the month of silence. That matter of which we will not speak of has had so little air time that it's almost been a non-issue. Almost.

Now that this cycle is drawing to a close my brain is BEGGING me to pay attention to my body. It REALLY wants to notice that twinge, stomach flip, that back-ache. But I WON'T do it, I CAN'T do it. 

This is a battle of wills, and I am determined to win this month. 

So, bring on the work, housework, DIY, house-hunting, writing, calling family and meeting friends. I will be busy, too busy to think about anything else.

Hey! It's the end of the tax year! YAY! That should be distracting, not fun or anything, but distracting.

impostor alert! or 'lady get your grimy fingers of the miniature socks'

I have found myself wandering the baby departments and stores recently, not because I'm a sad mama-wanna-be stalker, but because numerous women in my life have given birth to children in the last 6 months and so presents must be bought. From a geographical distance like this one, tangible goods are the only obvious way to show you care.

Every time I brush past a mini pink dress, or a tiny blue jumper, or let my hand caress a wood cot I'm sure the sirens are going to go off. *WARNING, BARREN WOMB ENTERING FERTILE LAND* I'm 100% confident that they know I'm not pregnant, or that I don't having children. And my crazy mind can't help but know that they think what I've got, this challenge to become a mama, is contagious. Like 'touch me and  you too will turn into an obsessive peeing-on-a-stick bump-ogling baby-head-sniffing lady'. 

Like some shop assistant is going to usher me out telling that they don't like 'my kind' in their neck of the woods. Because I'm upsetting their 'customers' with my flat (ha! like it ever will be!) belly and lack of human chorionic gonadotropin in my blood system (do they have security cameras that can see that?). (and OH MY GOD, are they ultra-sounding me on my way in to the store?)

I know, this is a scenario completely made up by my off-balance mind. And that it's perfectly reasonable that any normal person would need to buy a baby gift for a friend, or neice, or nephew. But I can't be the only lady browsing 'My Baby's First Year ' books wishing I was buying one for me, can I? (It's ok to lie hear, it's what they do to keep mental patients stable).

we were wearing sunglasses at night, our future was so bright

Hey! You know when you left home and you managed to leave loads of stuff lying around at your parents? Stuff that, in hindsight, you probably should have got rid of?

Here's one of me!

Yup, that's a younger more naive me. And the man shifting from behind me to get in the picture? My Grad 8 teacher. Why was he so intent on being in the picture? Did he think I would regret not having him in the picture (hint: the answer is HELL NO). 

Anyway, this picture reminds me that:

A) that outfit? totally chosen by my mom, it's so what she would have wanted to wear. I wanted off the shoulder, pink and satin. I got cotton, blue, with shoulder pads covered in lace.

B) That grade 8 teacher forced my parents, with no knowledge of baseball, to practice baseball in the school field because I was sick to my stomach with fright of failing at baseball in front of my friends. Baseball was the only sport my teacher knew. On the other hand, I have a really good memory of learning how to play baseball with my parents.

C) I had no more idea then about what I wanted to do with my life as I do now

D) I am not the same girl that stood in front of my class at the local golf club.

These are good things to be reminded of. That, and the fact that shoulder pads should NOT make a come back.

file it under g - for good gracious that looks good!

I always assumed that when I found my partner in life that they would be the one to help me 'get my act together'. I mean, my act was good - it was financially ticking over quite well and, due to many many hours in the gym, I was very happy with myself physically.I had good friends (still do!) and was pretty on track. So it may come as a surprised that I was waiting for someone else to come along to 'fix things', there didn't seem much to fix.

But what I mean is that organizationally I was a mess. I had bits of paper everywhere, documents stored at several houses due to several overseas moves and really had no idea how find a piece of required paper if it was needed. Sounds like a small thing but, oh, how it did drag me down.

When David and I met, it was a match quickly made in heaven. But he was not the answer to my organizational woes. As evidence, I present his office:

  Sweet Jesus, that's a black hole of paper.

And this is why I am now constantly working on organizing my our life. I'm a regularly at in the library 'homes' section. I scour websites, blogs, workshops and even ask friends how they organize their lives. Slowly, oh so slowly, I'm getting a handle on all our paperwork. So far, the best system I've come up with to handle bills is to banish the dreaded filing cabinet and get everything into easily accessible binders. Yup, it's like being in high-school.

So far, the book that has been most helpful is by Lissanne Oliver who wrote Sorted!: The ultimate guide to organising your life. It was this book that helped me get my piles of paper in an order that I can actually use. Her systems is simple, took about a half day, and cost me less than $20 in materials.

First, I took all the paper laying around and put it into two piles: business or home.

Then, I took each pile and started dividing between the bills. For business, I have two binders. One for bills, invoices, correspondence from the IRD and one for receipts (which I have to keep for SEVEN years. I haven't stayed in one spot for that long! EVER!).

For home, I have one for banking and credit cards, which looks full and therefore scary. This is because of the international flavour of our marriage, and the result is accounts in NZ, UK and Canada. The other binder is kept for utility bills.

The result is a very neat looking office:

 Serenity! White! Clean! Neat!

With very neat looking binders:

     oooh!   aaaah!

and very neat looking sections in those binders:

 go on, admit you're jealous.

I can now find, uber quickly, any bill or receipt. Very handy!

For now, my office is where it is. There's some shelves that I have to put up (which will get rid of that small row of books underneath my desk) and that picture frame needs to go up too. I would love to do more, but that will have to wait for another day, time, and paycheque.

and then there will be milk and cookies for everyone

We live in a nice neighbourhood, and the cost of that is that our house is small and we live very close to our neighbours. And we like our neighbours, and we know that we are lucky to be able to say that.

All of our neighbours, bar one, have children who are mostly under 5 years old. Which, during the week, means that things are quiet and relaxing. There's no teenagers playing music too loud, or racing away in their beat-up cars, or hanging in the yard with squealing girlfriends. Our evenings are thankfully relaxing.

On the weekends we don't wear watches. This is not because we like to just forget work and live life by the seat of our pants for 48 hours per week. It is because that with lots of toddlers around we have no need to set a clock since we can tell the time simply by their activities.

Witness:

Our neighbour on one side gets up around 7 am with her infant, we can hear her talking to her/him? early in the morning during the first feed (yes, we live that close).

At 9am, our neighbours on the other side let their boys out to play. They actually schedule this for 9am, so as to be nice to neighbours sleeping in!

By 12pm things get quiet, and we can hear chatter from all angles of 'eat your sandwich and you can have a cookie'.

And at 3pm? Well, that's when everyone's getting tired. The cries, the fights, the whines.

By 3:30pm: peace. A lull comes over our neighbourhood when naps occur. I've been known to get in on the nap time too.

Some people would think this annoying or an invasion of their space. I love it, I really do. It's families, living and growing. 

And now we're considering moving. It's a maybe, an outside chance, but if we do I would really miss the noise of my neighbours. Living in the country is nice and all, but it's so eerily quiet. 

What do you love about your neighbourhood?

and i shall wear my tiara when i become a mom!

On my wedding day I so loved wearing my tiara that I made the claim that I would wear it giving birth. It was a flip comment, but I'm now convinced that I must do it.

It sits around my folic acid, daring my body to have to follow through on the promise.

Bring it on.