Bea

hold on, let me get my ear trumpet

11 days ago I was hit. Not by a car, or a passing pedestarian on the street, but by one huge-ass mother-fucking cold. You do not know how bad this cold is. I woke up with a 'tickle' in my throat, and by 1pm was in bed whining for my mommy.

This in itself is not the story I want to tell, but it gives you the run up to day two of the cold.

On day two,I forced myself to work from home (ie., got to bed with my laptop and mobile, and pray to god that no-one contacted me). With enough tissues to even make Costco jealous and drugs a plenty, I was sure I could get through the day. There was blowing, and sniffing, and blowing, and teary eyes, and sneezes, and blowing, and coughing, and more blowing and then....POP! Holy Crap, that was my right ear drum. I'm sure of it.

It's now been 10 days since my right ear went !POP! and it hasn't been right since. I can't hear out of it properly and it constantly feels like I've been swimming too long and need to shake the water out of my ear. Only, I haven't been swimming. And there is no water in there.

Earlier this week I was telling my woes to my *cough* wonderfully supportive husband. I was trying to explain what it felt like to not hear properly out of one ear, and how all I could hear was my voice inside of my head and GOOD GOD CAN IT STOP?

And then he looked me with a 'yeah, it totally know what you mean about getting that voice to stop thing' look.

So, you'll testify on my behalf in court when the trial comes up, won't you?

and the winner is.......

Well, in ain't me this month. Some other lucky lady(ies) must be pregnant this month, but it sure as hell isn't me. On the plus side, it's been a text book cycle at 27 days. And the minus side, well, it arrived.

Just goes to show, it doesn't really matter how many sticks tests you pee on on how many days, you won't neccessarily have babies. Be great if it did though, I'd have lots and lots. 

I've gone through the poor-me syndrome, cried that another month has gone by, cried that I still am not pregnant, that others are, that others have their babies. And then, well, then I got real.

Becuase, really, I have a lot to not complain about. I have a great husband, a roof over my head, I know I can eat when I want, I have a good job with nary a threat of redundancy and I have my family.

So, here I am with a glass of red wine in hand, the tears all dried up, and looking forward into the next 24 days+. And this time there will be not sticks, no tests, no daily checking on the cycle - for god sakes, my brain, heart and soul need a rest.

department of immigration

Over the past 5 years we've had a few friends hint that they may consider moving to New Zealand for a short spell. Today I got an email from my oldest friend saying that their is a very slim chance of a slim chance that they'll have a slim opportunity to move here for a while. 

With three kids and two careers, she had a few questions which repeated what we've heard a lot of the years:

1. What is the economy like there? Is it more expensive to live than Canada, about the same or less expensive?
2. Are there lots of jobs or is unemployment high in the high tech sector?
3. Is there lots of high tech jobs?
4. What is the weather like in the winter? In the summer?
5. Are there lots of poisonous creatures there like in Australia?
6. How safe is it in New Zealand? Is the crime rate high?
7. What is the school system like?
8. What is health care like? Is is the same as Canada - better or worse?

So, for those of you looking or just curious, this was my response:

1. Economy is in a downturn, like the rest of the world, but it certainly hasn't hit as hard as the U.S. Groceries are more expensive (we spend about $120 per week for the two of us) as is housing (but we live in the biggest city of the country). If you're renting, housing is cheap. If you want to take a look at both rental and sale properties try www.trademe.co.nz (NZ 's answer to EBay which EVERYONE uses here). You'll also find second hand cars and household goods etc.

2. Yes there are lots of jobs, for talented, educated people who work hard and are good leaders. Unemployment is generally low, usually around 3-5%, and all employers complain about finding good leaders/managers. For job vacancies try www.trademe.co.nz again or www.seek.co.nz (this is the most popular advertiser for jobs). It took David and I about a year to find roles we truly like, but even our jobs before that taught us alot about working in NZ etc.

3. Not sure about high-tech jobs, but this is because it's an area I'm not familiar with. Again, try the job sites and perhaps have a look at www.nzherald.co.nz, our national newspaper, for information on the high tech sector in NZ

4. Winter weather = wet, no snow. Fairly mild in winter, down to 10 degrees or so. Older homes don't tend to having central heating, so when renting or buying you'll want to consider the heat supply available. David and I have opted to put in a wood stove in our house because our house is small; we only need the heat at night really and when the blackouts occur (at least once per season) we still have heat. Otherwise, follow your mother's instructions and 'put on a sweater'.

5. YAY! NO POISONOUS SNAKES OR CREEPY CRAWLIES. Having just spent a weekend in Aus checking my runners for creepy things, this is truly one of the great advantages of NZ.

6. New Zealand is as safe as Canada. Meaning, we have crime (south Auckland is bad, North where we live is pretty good) and an alarming rate of child abuse among some minority populations. We hear about it more because we're a small country with a small population. All in all, I've felt safe in NZ using my common sense about where I go and what I do.

7. School systems is public or private, just like Canada. Public schools are rated on a decile system, decile 1 being the school has no money and students aren't getting much from it, decile 10 being lots o' money and kids going off to uni and doing fairly well. So, when considering where to live you'd want to know what schools are in the catchment area of the home you're looking at. At high-school, kids go through the NCEA system (National Certificate of Educational Achievement) which I personally think is a load of crap, and as a result if I have kids I'll be sending them to private school (this may rest on whether we win the lottery or not)

8. Healthcare is similar to Canada in that it's a public system. The system has a 'user-fee' system, so that you end up paying between $30-$50 per doctors' appointment (a deterrent if you're not really sick, obviously) although maternity treatment is free ('cause I know you are dying to have another kid!!). But this is what I know about the system for adults, I honestly don't know about whether it's free for kids under a certain age (but have a feeling it might be). 

We all know that I'm a immigrant, so if you're a Kiwi correct me if I've got something wrong here!

penny pinching

Like many people, David and I are having more and more conversations about money these days. We know were both lucky, in that my own contract gives me the luxury of a known and steady monthly income and David's work, while very up and down in this economic climate, is sometimes controlled by him.

While we don't live in a huge house (ours in the size of an average apartment = 90spm or 295 sq ft) and we don't have a garage, or a driveway of our own, or even grass to mow, we do live in a very nice neighbourhood with only a 10 minute walk to the beach. For this, we have what I consider to be a HUGE mortgage, and this is probably because my reference is small town Canada where the houses are much much cheaper.

So, our own personal circumstances and home choice require our two incomes.

Recently, there have been growing reports of companies issuing redundancies, pulling out of NZ completely and an obvious shortage in job vacancies. Yes, I know, all you Northern Hemisphereans (I made it up!) have already been through this and are fully in the thick of it. And we could see it coming, but you just can't tell how hard the hit will be.

And, we're wondering what to do about our own situation. I'm tired of feeling tied to our mortgage. The cost of our mortgage would mean that if we had a family I would have to go back to work within 12 weeks of the arrival of our bundle of joy. If one of us wanted to start a business and needed to stop our current jobs to do so, we couldn't. And, god forbid, if we had family members who needed us urgently overseas we'd really struggle to find the money.

Slowly, oh so slowly, we're coming around to the notion that we'll need to get out of our current house and either a) rent it out and move somewhere smaller and rent ourselves, thus keeping the equity growing in this house without having to pay a good amount of the mortgage or b) sell the house, and buy somewhere much cheaper (and as a result, in a less desirable neighbourhood).

We are doing the little things too. We've switched where we buy our groceries, are buying the 'no-name' brands instead, we're not eating out in the week, and have gave up on lavish presents to each other months ago. But it's not enough. Although we are meeting our bill payments, knowing that if either of us loses our current income we'd be screwed isn't very comforting at all.

Are you affected by the economy? Are there hard choices that you've had to make, or are about to make? 

And, most of all, are there some good deals out there that you can share with the rest of us? For me, our good deal this month is switching from a combination of Telecom and Slingshot (Cost of up to $170 per month for landline, overseas calls and broadband) to Vodafone (landline and broadband with 20GB for a bargain $90). The change in provider, plus our switch to using Skype to Skype calls for overseas family will bring a whopping $80+ savings to our house- good deal!

What if

Tomorrow would have been the 4 month date had my pregnancy last year managed to stick. I'm not overly depressed, but can't help but think 'what if'. What if I was only just showing? What if I was wearing cute maternity outfits? What if we were dreaming of names? What if we could be sharing our joy with family? What if?

Instead, we're making other plans too. We're wondering what if sell the house? What if we down-size? What if we reduce our living costs? What if one of us quit what we're doing now to start a business?

And the final question, that I can't help ask, is what if I'm pregnant?

my name is bea, and I'm addicted to peeing on sticks

Fess up, you're like me too. And if you're not, well, you're guilty by association. I'm up to day 21 of peeing on a stick daily , and have 6 more OPK's to take me through to my habitual 27 day cycle end.

Over the last 20 months I've spent a small fortune on tests - test for ovulation, tests for pregnancy, drugstore tests, internet tests.....tests, tests, tests. I've got my favourites, one's that work for me, but I'm always intrigued by anything new on a drugstore shelf that I haven't tried before. I've ended up using internet cheapies because of pure cost and convenience, but what do you use? Is there a secret source I'm not aware of?

Come on, we're in this together. Where are you getting your tests? How often are you testing? I'll forgive you if you forgive me.

growing up without my own map

David and I have been taking part in a weekly on-line personal development course since the beginning of the year. This has involved weekly 'booklets' of reading, question and writing being sent to us, and 2-3 hours per week of focusing on our own development rather than the day-tp-day rat race of life.

The week 6 material has left me feeling mad, angry and frustrated.

The idea of the material is that you spend some time reflecting on what you loved doing in your spare time as you grew up, what you claimed you wanted to be when you grew up, how you thought your life would be when you grew up, what choices you made in  your education and whether they were your choices or decisions led by someone else.

Fairly simple enough you'd think.

Over the past few days one thing has become evident: I have always made my choices hoping that it would make someone else happy, make someone else like me. (Quick, grab me a counsellor now). I do not have any recollection of having a 'dream' job as I grew up, of telling others what I wanted to be (ok, not entirely true - I did think that being a psychologist would make me rich just with business from my own family).

I do remember that, despite being asked if I wanted to go to University, I felt I had to go to University. And I remember very clearly my mother saying 'I don't care what you get a degree in, even if it's outer-mongolian, you're getting a degree'. And I remember wanting to buy a house that cost $135,000 , but not doing so because I was told by a parent that they thought it was too expensive. I remember being told that working at Disney for a year was a bad idea. That quitting my management job, a job that had me in tears, was a bad idea. When I told a parent about my idea of buying a house, renting out all but one room to cover the mortgage, and starting my own personal training business, they said it was too risky. I remember really wanting my own family , to have kids, but not saying anything because I thought it was a bad thing to want when I had been given so much opportunity to do anything else but have a family. 

I'm starting to see a pattern here at it's pissing me off. Not because people told me what I thought was a bad idea, or led me to make decisions that were really there's, but because I didn't have the guts to do what I wanted. And that really makes me mad.

And now I'm trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life, I'm a little stuck in this rut that's got me focusing on the time I've lost. I don't want to be here for long, and hope that by working through the material I'll get through it since that appears to be the plan. Because this place sucks. And stinks. It smells like old, rotting, festering bitchiness and I really need to purge myself of it.

yes, i'm 35 without kids, no my ovaries are not your business

About 5 minutes after David and I were married, my brand-new shiny-out-of-the-box mother-in-law asked me when I thought we would have kids. It nearly floored me because of a)the directness of the question and b) the quickness with which the question was raised.

Don't get me wrong, my mother-in-law is a wonderful, giving and loving woman who is a fantastic grand-mother to my two nieces. However, as a 30 year old bride who had only met her future husband a mere 12 months prior to the wedding, I was not prepare to think about children and even less prepared to answer the question about our choice of whether to have children or not.

Jump forward 5 years, and here we are trying to have a family and, obviously, with no success yet. During the past 5 years, and I suppose previous to being married, I had made the choice not to have children. There are many reasons for the choice including the long line of assholes  less than desirable suitors, career focus, numerous moves to numerous countries and finances. My body thinks it's hilarious that I thought I could decide when I wanted children and therefore appears to be making a statement by making me wait for a pregnancy that will stick around. What a laugh! What a kick! Shucks, body, you've really got me this time!

What I have learned throughout my almost 2 years of trying to conceive is that it is nobody's business but our own about how, if and when we have a family. Even more importantly, it is not my business about how, when or if you have a family. I don't know whether it's a choice you've made not to have a family, or whether you've tried and failed, or can't try because of some awful medical situation - and you don't know if any of those apply to me. And this isn't just my opinion, I'm one of quite a few who feel this way. 

So, I think we need to agree not to ask those who do not offer an opinion or story. Clearly, I'm not a shy girl and am quiet happy to tell you about the parties that are/aren't going on at the Ovary Club (quite an exclusive club, very few are allowed to see the ladies) but if that's not your style, fine.

Ed Note:

Holy canole - the wheels are falling off. Thanks to Veronica  for alerting me that the commenting ability on my blog is a little wonky. I think I've sorted it, but if you're having a problem can you let me know? Just a quick email at bloggerbea@gmail.com would be grand.

However, if it's working, a quick comment to let me know would also be grand.

You're the tops!

it's gettin' hot in here

You know, like many a lady (ha!) out there, I love my husband. What I did not appreciate is how much I would still lust after him after (almost) 5 years of marriage. The sight of his naked body still makes me want to jump his bones. And let's face it, with our current goal this is no bad thing.

However, when humidity hits 100% and our bedroom resembles a swamp, I kinda have to admit that getting closer actually is uncomfortable. As in, please-don't-let-your-pinky-toe-touch-my-shin-because-I-think-my-body-might-explode-from-the-extra-degree. It's stifling. I can't breathe just thinking about it.

So here's the problem. How do I achieve the necessary acts to achieve our goal with out us both melting into our mattress? Do I have to resort to a mattress of frozen peas? I don't think it will add to the lovin' atmosphere and will kill the mojo I've got goin' on.

How are you keeping cool? What's your secret? Because apart from standing in the sea all night long, I can't see how we're going to keep things, ahem, pumping.