Bea

25 things about me on a Friday night.

1. I'm at work on a Friday night, it's gone 5pm ...I have a glass of wine on my desk
2. I have three cats that are madly in love with my husband
3. I am also madly in love with my husband
4. Sometimes I wish I had been happy enough in Canada to stay and build my life there...but then I remember that I met my husband in the UK and it makes it all better
5. I once read that women in their 30's should have their hair figured out, and sometimes stress that I don't
6. I miss my brother more than he knows
7. This week, I should have been 15 weeks pregnant, but miscarried in December
8. Yes, we do want a family. No, I will not share any schedule with you. 
9. I'd like to run my own business, and hope to do so this year
10. I order Tim Horton's from my family like they're an internet retail store
11. I adore playing in the sea after work with David
12. I wonder how old I will be when I am entirely happy with who I am
13. I admire people who have always known what they wanted out of life and have worked tirelessly to get it. 
14. I love home design and have always got a 'new plan' for my own home.
15. I'm addicted to real estate listings
16. The first time David and I went on holiday together it was to Austria, we had known each other for just 4 weeks
17. I often act, then think. Which is why I live in New Zealand.
18. I once had a summer job that had me climbing industrial chimneys
19. I follow www.dooce.com regularly
19. I love sleeping in
20. I really like my own company
21. I can wiggle my ears like Fozzie Bear
22. I have the same birthmark as 3 of my cousins
23. I'm better at math than my teachers ever thought I would be
24. I will be driving home in my Honda Accord in about 2 minutes
25. I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of my cousin's second baby!

TGI (FREAKIN') F!

Let's confirm what we all know. I'm not pregnant. 

Disappointed? Yup, you bet.

Wishing it wasn't so? Tick that box, too. 

Throbbing ovaries? Uh-huh.

This sucks. I hate it.  

I went for a run yesterday which helped with anger and now have a cold glass of white wine in hand, which also helps (although probably will detract points from my 'healthy lifestyle' points for health insurance). I'm feeling ok, and looking forward to a fun February with a long weekend here and a long weekend in Brisbane. I've got a lot on my plate, both with work and other goals I'd like to achieve (the home business is one of them) so there's enough to keep my mind occupied.

I might even not use OPK's this month. 

I know, it's crazy, but relaxing and doing 'it' when we feel like it just might work. At least, that's what all the parents I know say. 

Do the limbo!

  I'm cramping, I've got a backache and I've started spotting, all after a positive HPT last night. Yay. I'm not sure what's going on, although I've got a theory I'm not ready to say it out loud ok? Give me some time to get my head around it and I'll be ready to talk.

On the bright side, and to make you smile (because it made me smile!) here's a picture of my 4 month old god-daughter on a sunny Florida holiday!

 

Day 32 - 15 dpo?

Ok, so it doesn't look like many days when it's in black and white, but for a lady with a previously 27 day cycle average it's a loooonng time. I'm not patient at the best of times, and it's well known that I like to be in control, so this particular situation is not pandering to either of those needs.

I took another hpt on Saturday night (Discover Pregnancy One Step Early Result Test ) which on first glance gave nothing. But on Sunday morning, in the blaze of the hot sun through our bedroom window, I saw a very faint second pink line. David confirmed the second line, but didn't get excited, he's such a man. To be fair, I was mainly calm myself having already come up with plan to do nothing until passing the 5 week window - the milestone that would take me past the date of the mc in last November.

So, with some confidence I took another test this morning. This time using First Response (First Response HPT at HealthChemist.co.nz) and got a big fat nothing. No faint line, no hint of a faint line. NADA. While my spirit was down I thought nothing of kicking it hard to make sure it got the message. 

Having cleverly saved that precious FMU in a cup, I rushed out to buy one more type of pregnancy test - this time (Crystal Clear Mid Stream at HealthChemist.co.nz). Only when I got home and rushed into the bathroom to rip open the packet did I realise that it was one of the dreaded + or - tests. Regardless, I dipped away.....only to be knocked back with another BFN. So, know I'm thinking that the Saturday test was a fluke and is possibly and evaporation line (a folklore I've heard of but never witnessed).

Here's the thing, I still think I'm pregnant. This is either because I'm bull-headed and won't believe the evidence that is clearly stacking up against me, or because of a deep sense of what is going on with my body. I know had light cramping from 7dpo-12dpo, it was not my brain making it up. And I am, comically, convinced that the light cramping was implantation. I'm moody, and currently prone to crying, but of course this can be attributed to pmt, pregnancy and just plain looniness.

I have ordered the same pregnancy tests I used in November, which have a claimed sensitivity of 25mlU/ml ( Baby4You.co.nz wins my business again -soon they will be buying a Porsche as a result of my repeated purchases) This will test my patience, as they are not likely to arrive for another 48 hours. 

Those who are waiting like me, I feel your pain. Those who are laughing at my apparent descent into madness, judge me not. 

BFP's and working from home

Hi, I'm waiting for a BFP, how about you? This wait is insane, and I hate the way that it's all I can think about. If it wasn't for the crazy amount of work I have on at the moment I really would be going insane. I really hate women who go on and on about wanting a baby and where they are in their cycle and what twinge they had on what day...but I'm one of them.

I can't help it, I'm sorry. Yes, I'm educated and reasonably successful in my work. Yes, I follow national and international politics. Yes, I have opinions on current affairs. No, I can not think of anything but the fact that I just might be pregnant. 

This does not mean that I'm yearning to be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen, although I'd take the latter two happily...ok and in the summer I'd want to be barefoot. So maybe I am wanting to barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. So sue me. 

In other news, I'm researching at home work opportunities. I've started talking to my employer and suggested a 12 month plan that will see me slowly out of my current on-the-road, heavily customer facing role and slowly into a work-from-home national moderator role with some business consultancy on the side. It's just at proposal stage, and I'd like to cover my bases by looking at other opportunities too (even Avon and Mary Kay have hit my radar).

Working from home is about having a better balance of life, about being able to have time to have a family, and about building a business that will allow me to build another business, and then maybe another...and then rental properties....and then, you see where I'm going?  I'm going to rule the world!! *evil sinister laugh*

But first, that BFP.

a new history

Here's a thought - my child (whenever they decide to show up) will never know a world where a black man as president of the United States is cause for celebration. They will assume that it is nothing to blink an eye at. 

I think that is way cool, and something worth celebrating.

earning a gold star

It's day 26 of a normally 27 day cycle. Normal is used liberally here, as nothing has been normal in the last few months. With the miscarriage and such, I'm throwing normal out the window and going with what happens. At least that's what I'm saying, clearly I'm thinking that I'm  due tomorrow and if my period doesn't show then obviously I'm pregnant.

Aren't I?

I was so tired last night, I was in bed for 9:30. On a Monday. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the week if this continues. I'm on a 12 hour day today (thanks to a colleague on holiday, I'm doing the work of 2). 

I'm feeling mildly crampy, and have been for 6 days. I'm irritable and anxious. Of course, these are also classic PMT signs. 

The gold star I've earned is for not testing yet. My fellow ttc'ers will appreciate the iron-clad will power it takes to achieve this. 

ttc and 2ww, won't poas

This is taking for ever - it's worse than waiting for Santa Clause, your birthday and for the last day of school to finish before the summer holidays all rolled into one. Of course,  I could instead find out that there is no Santa Clause, my birthday has been cancelled and that I have to start summer school next week.

This 2ww is my first after the miscarriage. I REALLY want to be pregnant, and am trying REALLY hard to be a grown-up and realise that I may not be because the emotional blow that would ensue if I'm not would be similar to ...oh, I don't know. I don't think there is a metaphor that works here, it's just such a lump of frustration, hope and desire in my heart now, and if I'm not pregnant that lump will turn into anger, more frustration and I would have to work really hard on releasing its' poison from my system. 

I'm reading this and thinking 'good lord, when did I turn into one of those obsessive women who can only think about being pregnant?'. It's worrying, but I can't lie and say that this isn't on my mind. To be fair, thought, there are other things on my mind. Like: it's raining today, should I paint the bedroom? should I finish the email to our CEO about my new business idea? will my cousin be home so that I can call her and see how she's doing in her last weeks of her 2nd pregnancy? can David hear my telepathic call for tea and toast? So many questions, so little brain space.

I have 3 sleeps before the really hard waiting starts. If I'm 'late', I am determined to wait for at least 3 days before testing. I'm so nervous and anxious, won't you join me on this emotional roller coaster? I promise you, it won't be boring.

p.s. I would like to thank www.babycentre.co.uk, www.twoweekwait.com and www.peeonastick.com for their contribution to my neuroses by allowing my obsession to have an outlet and find fellow sufferers. 

In need of a handyman - cheap

I’m pleased to report that I have survive the linen closet, and my husband has received an early Christmas present of some very good quality polishing cloths for his collection of motorbikes. Hey, he’s easy to please and I’m lucky for it.

Now the list in my head is overwhelming, and I’m stuck as to where to start. There’s the regular monday chore of vacuuming, and given that we have laminate throughout the house except for the bedrooms (carpet) and bathroom (tile) it won’t take long.

The rest of the ‘things I’d like to get done in the holidays’ list is harder work:

Repair the badly done cover up job for the hole in the wall created while my parents were here last season and managed to overflow the washing machine

Prepare the walls in the hallway for wallpapering, then wallpaper with the gorgeous, and expensive (ie, don’t fuck it up ‘cause we can’t afford any more) wallpaper

Lay the remaining tiles (2) in the bathroom, then remove the existing white-gone-yellow-gone-gray grout, and replace with gray grout.

Fill the base-board holes in my office

Paint my office

Buy a new desk and filing cabinets for my office

Put up the new clock in the living-room

Paint the bedroom

Paint the mdf tall-boy in my office white

Paint the doors in the hallway

Replace the lock on the front door

Paint the outside of the house

Not much, really. Just general house keeping stuff, right? I would love to hire some help for these sort of things, but the recent economic melt down has led us to a tighter-than-normal December. We’re down to just my income this month, with my husband and his business partner deciding not to withdraw and funds from their business this month. So, it’s our own manual labour that will start to get the list done. 

And on that note, I’m going to buy myself a coffee and a treat. Let’s call it an advanced reward, k?

To Do List

It’s the first official day of my summer holidays. A blissful two weeks of nothing is planned. That’s right, no jet lag, no visiting family, no manic last-minute shopping. 

Instead, I’m planning to spend my holidays catch up on some z’s, doing some more exercise, playing in the sun, and organising my home. Oh, I know that the last one may not sound like a lot of fun to most, and truthfully the act of organising my home doesn’t excite me. What does excite me is the though of living in a well organised and streamlined home.

I offer my thanks to a timely reading of Darla Shine’s ‘Happy Housewives’. Yes, she is judgmental and a bit bitchy at times during the book, but the over-all message of having a plan and being bloody grateful for what you do have is a good one. I’m not a housewife (she is), I don’t have kids (she does, and the tale of her birthing experience is not for the light-hearted) and I’m not married to a man who makes obscene amounts of money (she is, and that’s why she gets to stay home, and in style). 

But I do have a lot to be thankful for, and as a result have resolved to get my ass into gear and make more of my home. Small jobs like cleaning out my linen closet will take less than a half-hour. Bigger jobs, like painting and re-organising my home office, will take a day or two. And at the end of it, I’ll be even more proud of my home and look forward to spending time in it every day after work.

I’m off to tackle the linen closet, and if you don’t hear from me again, send the search team into the laundry room will you?